10 Tips to Finally Stop People Pleasing
Is being a people pleaser harming you or helping you?
I’m sure you’ve heard this term, people pleaser, a lot lately on IG and TikTok especially. But let’s properly define it before we dive in. A people pleaser is someone who frequently prioritizes everyone else’s needs and wants above their own so they can be liked and accepted. What do you think of or feel immediately as you read this definition?
The origin story
Being a people pleaser is not all or nothing. People pleasing to the degree of being considerate, accommodating, and nice can be a normal human response stemming from our innate desire to be liked and to belong. It’s essentially an evolutionary adaptive mechanism. Imagine back in the day of tribes, you had a better survival rate if you were a considerate and accommodating people pleaser because you would be accepted as a part of a tribe and have their protection. If you were unaccommodating and uncaring then you would have been kicked out of a tribe and going solo; your survival rate would go down as you’d be easier for a tiger or lion to prey on you without the protection of your tribe.
People pleasers often start out as parent pleasers if their parental figure only provided love conditionally as a result of “good actions” or to avoid punishment and being ignored. The child develops a belief that they must be perfect, follow the rules, and do everything in their power to please the caregiver. Additionally, growing up in a family that avoided conflicts or had a lot of conflicts can also lead to developing people pleasing tendencies because it was either modeled to people please and avoid conflict or to people please to get some respite from constant conflict respectively. Fear of rejection via criticism and or punishment, experiencing discrimination and exclusion are also other common reasons people pleasing behaviors can develop.
It’s important to note that there’s nothing wrong with having these people pleasing tendencies. It’s what once served you in your childhood as a means of survival and it means you are a caring and thoughtful person. But is it really serving you as an adult now? Think of people pleasing on a spectrum; you don’t want to be constantly sacrificing your wants and needs for someone else, but you also don’t want to be so unaccommodating that you alienate everyone. A healthy balance is somewhere in the middle - you can be accommodating and thoughtful while saying no and placing boundaries so that you can prioritize your wants and needs as well as be there for others’ wants and needs.
10 Signs of a People Pleaser
I know you are here to self diagnose, so let’s get into it. You might be a people pleaser if you are :
Overly Agreeable
Conflict averse
Perfectionist and/or high achiever
Struggling to say no and set other boundaries
Often anxious and overthinking that someone is upset with you
Prone to resentment
Taking responsibility for other people’s feelings
Having trouble being true to your beliefs and wants, and often self-doubt
Relying on others to make decisions
Feeling guilty when not being overly accommodating and prioritizing others
10 Tips to Finally Stop People Pleasing
I think that’s enough signs for you to self-diagnose. Let’s get into why you are really reading this article - how to stop people pleasing :
Realize you have a choice! It’s easy for most of us to forget we don’t have to do what the voice in our head says we “should” do! Just because the voice says we “should” doesn’t always mean we actually should. Or you might think this tip seems too logical and you might say “duh, but the guilt makes me feel like I don’t have a choice!” True, let’s talk about guilt next.
Get comfortable with your Guilt. Guilt is one of those emotions that you can feel without having anything to feel guilty about. Think of it like a security pop up box, guilt is asking you, “hey are we making the right choice here based on our values?”. It’s NOT telling you you are not making the right choice and should feel guilty. It’s ASKING are we making the right aligned choices for us? It’s just a pop-up with a question, not a judgment/answer.
Set boundaries. They are an expression of your self love and keep resentment towards yourself and others at a distance.
Question if you are being manipulated through guilt or flattery. If you are, then do you really want to keep people pleasing those who are actively trying to take advantage of you? Would you let them do that to a friend you cared about or would you step in for your friend?
Just say no. Identify your priorities, goals, and say no to anything that doesn’t align with that. And if that makes you squirm here’s some roundabout ways to say no :
I won’t be able to make it
Unfortunately I’m at capacity and don't have time/energy to give to that
I’m honored but I don’t have the time to dedicate to it that it deserves
I have plans then but thank you for thinking of me
Ask for time. If you can’t say no yet, delay giving an answer. You can try saying :
Let me get back to you on that
I don’t have my calendar with me so let me check when I’m home
I need to check with my partner because I’m not sure if we already have plans then
*(This one tip really helped me with my people pleasing, it gave me time to make a decision based on what I really wanted without having to decide when I felt pressured)*
Sit with discomfort and regulate. In life discomfort is unavoidable, the more you can get used to it, the less power it’ll have over you, and the more you can be authentic. The sooner you accept this and learn how to regulate and breathe through discomfort the sooner you can tackle anything!
Say empowering affirmations to yourself like :
I’m allowed to say no
Not my circus, not my monkeys
I’m the guardian of my time and energy (my personal favorite by Matthew Boland, Psychologist).
Stop apologizing for things that are not your fault! If it’s not your fault, replace your I’m sorry’s with “that’s a bummer!” or “that sucks!”.
Re-frame your limiting beliefs. Limiting beliefs are thoughts you have that limit you; they are often untrue and don’t serve you. For example, if you have a thought of “I have to go to this event because if I don’t that will upset my friend”, ask yourself - Is this really true? What evidence do I have for that statement; has that happened before? If my friend was in this situation, what would I say to her if she thought this about me? Re-frame that original thought of “I have to go to this event because if I don’t that will upset my friend” to “My friend will understand if I can’t make it to this event because I usually make it a priority to show up for her. If she is upset, it just means she cares about me and values my presence.”
BONUS TIP : Go to Therapy. Work through your people pleasing trauma and learn how to heal it so you can find a sustainable balance in your people pleasing behaviors.
So long answer short, people pleasing can be harmful to you and can be helpful to you. People pleasing on it’s own isn’t good or bad. It can be good and it can be bad. Think about it like protein for example, protein is really good for you but too much of it (too much of anything) is harmful to you. The best thing to do, is to find your healthy balance on that spectrum so that people pleasing serves you.
What are you waiting for? Get started!! And remember to celebrate any and all small wins, because any progress, however small, is still progress. So even if you can’t do ALL of the things on this list, start with 1 or 2. Start small and keep building on it! Something is better than nothing. Go into your healing journey and break your intergenerational trauma with people pleasing with an Always Something Mindset!
